Wherever You Are ~ Chapters 1-5
(collectively written by the Joshers at Joshers United)
Chapter One: by Jenn23 (Jenn)
Well, if you want to be with me, then staying here would be a really stupid idea, considering I don't plan to be here... I plan to be wherever you are.
His words keep running through my head. His words were always exactly what I needed to hear. Well, until recently. Recently, I just wanted to cover my ears and deny everything he was saying. How did we get to this place? How did we get from being so close together to being so very far apart? I keep hearing him say those words - I plan to be wherever you are - and it is making me insane. He was telling the truth when he said he didn't plan to be in Capeside after this year. I just never dreamed that I would be left here without him. I always thought that we would move on to the next place together. But it turns out he couldn't move on unless it was without me.
I miss him so much. It's only been a month, yet it seems like an eternity. He hasn't called. He hasn't written. I wonder if he ever will. I'll be leaving for Boston in a couple of months. Will he come back before I go? Will he ever come back? Will I really be forced to move on without him - to move on alone? He was able to do it. Will I be able to?
I'm sitting on the edge of the dock in the darkness of the night - the moon and stars are the only light left in my world right now. I'm on the very same dock that I was standing on when I told him I was in love with him just more than a year ago. The same dock where I took his hand and boarded True Love and drifted out of Capeside and into the most amazing relationship I've ever had. A tear falls down my cheek as I look up at the stars. And I wonder if maybe he could be staring at the same stars as I am. I imagine him wishing the same wish that I am wishing... that one day, those stars will guide him back to where I am.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm in the Atlantic once again... this time last year, I had never felt so at home. It's different this time. It's different without her. It seems that the only time I am able to find some peace is during the quiet of the night... when all of my work is done and after Dean Newman and his family have retired to their cabins for the night. Then I have the entire upper deck to myself. I have the entire night sky as my own. Looking at the stars reminds me of looking into her eyes... it reminds me of how much I miss her. Then again, everything reminds me of how much I miss her.
I'm not going anywhere without you.
I remember her saying these words as if it was yesterday. It's funny how it can seem like a lifetime ago. I never thought that she would choose to be with me, much less choose to stay with me. I never dreamed that she would put up with me for so long. Yet, she kept her word... she would never go anywhere without me. I find it painfully ironic that I was the one to go without her. And what's worse is that I don't really have a clear-cut reason for doing so. Even now, I wouldn't be able to tell her exactly why I left. I just know that I had to go. I guess I just needed to prove to myself that I could go... that I could survive on my own - without her. And it's so hard, but I am surviving. It's only been a month - the longest month of my life - and every minute is a battle, but I'm winning.
I should call her. I have tried so many times. I guess I'm scared of what she'll say... or maybe of what she won't say. She'll be going to college soon and meeting new people. She'll probably forget all about me... maybe she already has. I'm looking at the stars and wishing that she hasn't forgotten... wishing that she will wait for me to come back to her. The stars are all I have left to hold onto her. I smile and wipe away a stray tear as I imagine her looking up at the same stars as I am. I imagine that somehow they are connecting us... that in some weird sort of abstract way, they are allowing me to keep my word to her - that wherever she is, I am there with her. I make myself believe that they were put there for us and they are ours and ours alone. And nothing - not even this great distance or the sea - can come between us or break our gaze.
Chapter Two: by sophie8 (Mary)
Pacey looks over and sees the notebook he brought along. He thought he’d record his days in Miami…. So that he’d never forget them. He thinks to himself, “I’ve been here a month, and haven’t written a word in this thing.” He kind of smiles and shrugs his shoulders. “I might as well start now….” He reaches over and grabs the notebook.
He sighs and starts writing….
So… Here I am in Miami. Nothing but
blue water, beaches, and this boat to keep me busy. And busy is an
understatement, I haven’t had much time to take in any real extra-curricular
activities. Which is probably the best thing for me anyway, after all, I’m
here to work. And besides, any free time I have I
just end up thinking…mostly about the past. About Joey. Is Joey my past? She
once told me “My future lies with you.” But yet, here I am alone.
Pacey puts the pen down. “I’m alone because I made it that way. I can’t blame Joey for any of this. It was my insecurities that made me lash out at her during prom, really, I’m lucky she she actually wants to still be friends.” Pacey starts writing again…
Friends… She wanted to remain
friends, and I told her no, I can’t be her friend right now. I said that I
need to get over her, and I needed to get away from her. But that wasn’t true
at all. I never want to get over Joey, I never want to forget a single thing
about the time we shared. Why did I tell her that? Was it just for the best at
the time? Because I will never forget Joey Potter.
When I think about her, my mind takes me back to those dance lessons. (Pacey
laughs to himself)
The look on her face when she found Jen and I kissing... priceless...
And then on to the day I told her how I feel…I was brave about it. I can’t believe how I just kissed her. The moment was right. “Don’t you ever get tired of talking?” And it just happened.
Last year's prom is the only one I’d like to remember…She looked so beautiful that night. When I danced with her that night, all thoughts of Dawson escaped from our minds. For a few minutes he wasn’t an issue, it was just me and Joey. “I remember everything,” is what I told her that night, and that will hold true forever.
Most of all I will never forget when Joey first told me she loved me. I, of course, thought she’d chosen her friendship for Dawson over me, but I was wrong. Just as I was about to leave for the summer on the True Love, she came to me. “I think I’m in love with you.”
And that was all I needed.
"Permission to come aboard?"
And then we sailed off together. Just the two of us…I think those 3 months were the happiest of my life.
So now I ask myself, how did I go from true love to truly alone??? Because that’s how I feel, like a piece of my heart is missing…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BACK IN CAPESIDE – (Joey’s room)
Joey is sitting on her bed digging through a box. Jen walks in.
Jen: “Hey Jo!”
Joey: (startled, she looks up) “Oh, hey Jen.”
Jen sits down on the bed.
Jen: “So, what’s this you’re doing?”
Joey: “Oh, just looking through some old memories.”
Jen: (pauses) “You mean, Pacey memories?”
Joey: (smiles) “Yeah, I know, it seems corny, but I have this box filled with practically our entire relationship. And I just got a little sentimental tonight, so I decided to look through it.”
Jen: “Joey… You’re not going to find Pacey in there.”
Joey looked at Jen. She closed her eyes, and said “I know.”
Joey opened her eyes and glanced down into the box. The picture that Dawson gave her for Christmas was the last thing she saw before she shut the lid.
Chapter Three: by mvluvsdg (Mel)
Flight 372 to Los Angeles is preparing to board, first class ticket holders please feel free to board, first class or platinum points card passengers may now board now
He sat looking at the plane about to carry him to the future he had always dreamed for, terrified, not that he would fail or disappoint his family and friends...but that he would be seated next to the woman with the screaming twins a few chairs down from him. As much as he liked babies, he couldn't handle that now.
So this is Chicago...he looked around the bustling airport only wishing he could have seen more than this crowded place. Why couldn't Mitch have booked a direct flight? I'm going to lose all my luggage. Too late to worry about that now. He was about to make the second part of his journey to the future he had been planning every since he saw E.T. And to think he saw it with her...
Leery, you need to get past her, she made it clear that night
They kissed, he kissed her. She even seemed to be kissing him back. It started all so well...it was going to be the next big event, the pivotal one that brought destiny back.
Until she pushed him away. And she pushed him hard. Her eyes were filled with...was it shock? Was it disgust? All he felt afterwards was shame, he knew she was vulnerable and made the move he thought he could. He took advantage of the memories they were sharing and the pain she was trying to cover. She never said his name, she didn't have to. But he was positive that it was Pacey she thought of as he kissed him.
As usual you crashed and burned
He leaned forward, his sandy blonde hair fell over his forehead, he brushed it away as he got his backpack and prepared for the flight attendant to call his row. What was it about Joey Potter? She almost infected people...she would haunt them and drive them crazy until...until without her knowing she made them fall in love with her all over again.
But that was what California needed to do, to be a clean slate. Besides, after that shove...and to see her stomp out of the room he knew, he knew who she was thinking of. Someone who could be bold, could live straight from his soul...Pacey.
Pacey, his best friend. His Tonto, Linus, and Robin. Of course to think of it again Pacey was more the Lone Ranger type...he'd never admit it though.
Rows 36 to 50 are now boarding
I wish I knew where he was...would he check his e-mail if I wrote to him?
He didn't want to keep having these ghosts from Capeside haunt him, but like Joey said so eloquently in her speech "carry some of Capeside in your heart."
Joey and Pacey had that love with them...it was unspoken and it was something that he knew she'd never have with anyone else. How could he not see it happening? How was he so blind and so selfish?
When Andie left for Italy the first time she made it clear to us all that love and friendship were the most important things, the most precious. She was right. But some were meant to only be friends and some would love one another forever. He had to help that love be realized. It was what good friends should do for the other. It would be hard, but somehow he would get Pacey back to Joey...
Rows 24 to 36 are now boarding
Row 27, that was his row. He grabbed his backpack and his laptop...Sure, it might break his heart to finally realize that he would only be a friend, could only be a friend...but that love they shared couldn't be denied. And it would make for a great movie. All good love stories need a movie, or all good movies need a love story...
It could be about real love.
True Love
Chapter Four: by Jenn23 (Jenn)
...unless a man were to love you so much that you were more to him than his father or mother; and if all his thoughts and all his love were fixed upon you, and the priest placed his right hand in yours, and he promised to be true to you here and hereafter, then his soul would glide into your body and you would obtain a share in the future happiness of mankind. He would give a soul to you and retain his own as well; but this can never happen. --Hans Christian Andersen, "The Little Mermaid"
Pacey walks up to a phone booth and steps inside. He stands there for a moment staring at the phone before he finally picks up the receiver. He sighs and starts punching in some numbers.
Joey is sitting on her bed reading a book when her phone rings. She glances at the clock and asks herself, "Who would be calling this late?" She quickly grabs the phone so that it doesn't wake anyone up. "Hello?" There is silence. "Hello?" she says again. She starts to pull the phone away from her ear when she hears him speak.
Pacey: Hey Jo...
Joey: (she presses the phone back to her ear) Pace... is that you?
Pacey: (quietly) Yeah... I didn't wake you, did I?
Joey: No... I was just reading.
Pacey: Anything good?
Joey: (setting the book down beside her) "The Little Mermaid"... from our book of fairy tales. We never finished it, you know.
Pacey: I know.
Joey: There are a lot of things we didn't quite finish, I guess. (she sighs) You know it's ironic... we're brought up believing fairy tales have happy endings... we're even told alternate versions of the original stories leading us to believe that everything will always turn out okay in the end. Stories that are just instilling us with false hopes. But as I've been reading this book, I've realized that most of these stories don't end happily. Most of them are tragic and sad... and someone is left alone in the end. I guess it's like what you told me once... when the clock strikes midnight, all you're left with is an eyes-closed wish.
Pacey: I'm sorry, Joey... I'm sorry about everything that happened and everything I put you through. I'm sorry that I left the way I did and that I was too much of a coward to even say goodbye... I'm sorry that I hurt you.
Joey: I know. (she wipes a tear from her eye) And I know you didn't mean to...
Pacey: But I did hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you... ever.
Joey: Why did you leave? Why did you run away from me?
Pacey: (shaking his head) I don't know... I just know that I needed to go. And I knew that if I had tried to tell you, I wouldn't have been able to go. I wouldn't have been able to walk out of your life.
Joey: Did you make the right decision?
Pacey: In some ways yes, in others no... I mean, if I could go back and do things differently, I would. I would have handled so much differently. But I can't do that. We can't go back... all we can do is go forward. And I'm moving forward in my life right now. And that's what I needed to do... I needed to do it for myself and by myself.
Joey: All that time you were concerned that you were holding me back, and it turns out I was the one holding you back.
Pacey: Don't say that. You've never held me back. You've helped me in more ways than you'll ever know.
Joey: (smiles) That's funny, because I can say the same for you... Kind of makes you wonder where we went wrong, huh?
Pacey: Yeah... Well, I should let you get back to your book. I just wanted to make sure you were okay, I'm sorry it took me so long.
Joey: I understand... And I'm glad you called.
Pacey: So... (he pauses) I guess this is goodnight...Joey: Wait... don't hang up yet.
Pacey: What is it?
Joey: I don't know... I just feel like there's too much left unsaid to hang up.
Pacey: I don't think I'm ready to rehash everything right now...
Joey: We don't have to... (picking up the book) I could read to you. You know, like old times?
Pacey: (smiles) I'd like that.
(time lapse)
Joey: The little mermaid could not help thinking of her first rising out of the sea, when she had seen similar festivities and joys; and she joined in the dance, poised herself in the air as a swallow when he pursues his prey, and all present cheered her with wonder. She had never danced so elegantly before. Her tender feet felt as if cut with sharp knives, but she cared not for it; a sharper pang had pierced through her heart. She knew this was the last evening she should ever see the prince, for whom she had forsaken her kindred and her home; she had given up her beautiful voice, and suffered unheard-of pain daily for him, while he knew nothing of it. This was the last evening that she would breathe the same air with him, or gaze on the starry sky and the deep sea; an eternal night, without a thought or a dream, awaited her: she had no soul and now she could never win one...
Pacey: (cutting her off) You were right... very sad and tragic.
Joey: No wonder we stopped reading when the storm hit.
Pacey: Actually, I stopped reading because you fell asleep. (he laughs lightly)
Joey: Hey... that was a long day.
Pacey: (nodding) It was...
Joey: (looks at the clock and sighs) Speaking of long days... it's pretty late now. I guess I should let you go.
Pacey: Yeah... Dougie won't be too thrilled when he gets his phone bill and realizes I've been using his calling card. (she laughs) It's good to hear you laugh.
Joey: It was good to hear your voice.
Pacey: Yours too...
Joey: Will I hear it again anytime soon?
Pacey: I don't know, Jo... I mean... (he pauses)
Joey: You don't have to explain.
Pacey: Thank you... (he hears a small sob from her end of the line) Jo... (his voice cracks) please don't shed any more tears over me...
Joey: (she can tell that he has tears too) Only if you promise not to shed any over me.
Pacey: They don't really make us feel any better, do they?
Joey: Not unless they are happy tears... nothing feels better than those.
Pacey: So no more tears unless they are happy ones, okay?
Joey: I'll try...
Pacey: Take care of yourself... and enjoy your summer.
Joey: You too.
Pacey and Joey: (at the same time) I miss you.
Pacey: Jo... our relationship was never a fairy tale... and it doesn't have to end tragically like one of those stories in our book.
Joey: What are you saying?
Pacey: Look... I would never ask you to wait for me. I want you to go out and live your life and be happy. But I get through every day because I carry with me the hope that there's even a small possibility that one day we can get back at least some of what we lost.
Joey: I lo... (she stops herself) I should go. Goodnight, Pace.
Pacey: Goodnight, Jo.
Joey: (clicks the phone off, whispers) I love you.
Pacey: (puts his head down) I love you too. (puts the phone on its receiver)
Joey looks back at her book and reads the rest of the story to herself. She reads the last line out loud...
...we shed tears of sorrow, and for every tear a day is added to our time of trial.
"Maybe Pacey is right... maybe it's time I stop crying and start living again. And maybe the outcome of our story will still be the one we are both hoping for."
She closes her book and puts it on her night table before shutting out the light.
Chapter Five: by mvluvsdg (Mel)
He sat on the deck of the
boat; the warm Atlantic breezes ruffled the Hawaiian shirt, which earlier that
day clung to him like a needy child. The blue water glistened that afternoon and
it took all of Pacey’s willpower not to take five and jump into the cool sea.
It was amazing how soothed he felt underwater…the sounds of the world all
became muffled and for just a second he was in his own
world and nothing could get to him, except her.
The fireworks only made it worse.
The 4th of July…a holiday that he was sure none of the natives could care less about was just an excuse to drink and set off the colorful sky decorations. They lit up the sky of the marina that Pacey could call home tonight.
“Witter mind if I take this radio?” Dean stood there, Pacey’s thoughts were lost in the fireworks and didn’t even hear him approach. Dean was from Oregon and joined them somewhere by Aruba, he seemed like a cool guy, but all the guys on the boat were.
“Sure go ahead, good luck finding anything…the reception can be really shitty.”
“I don’t think I’ll need the luck. If there is anything I’m known for is my light touch.” Dean winked as he grabbed the radio and headed to the galley where some of the crew and marina locals were setting up a poker game or some card game, Pacey wasn’t in the mood to lose what cash he had to guys he knew made more than they claimed. He could hear Dean turn on the radio and the static and squelch were loud and clear. Pacey couldn’t help but look towards the light of the galley with a chuckle.
“I told you man…” he said under his breath. A bright magenta flower bloomed in the night sky, faint cries of excited locals echoed across the water. Pacey swallowed hard, remembering where he was the last time he saw fireworks and it wasn’t on his birthday…it was practically every time she had touched him. Those sly glances…the way she bit her lower lip.
A quiet voice accompanied by a simple guitar crept up the stairs.
Damn, Dean got lucky with the radio, hope he’s the same way with cards…
I feel pretty good
I feel all right
And I've been thinkin' maybe
I could spend the night
He’s heard those words before…she just wanted to sleep that night. And that was all they did. He let her nestle into his chest, his arms were around her waist and they just slept. It was like the summer they would share one hammock after a long day, like the quiet Sunday naps they had in the fall, those warm nuzzles on cold days in December. He could do so much with her, and sleep was just one of them. Why did something so good have to turn out so badly?
I know you've been sad
I know I've been bad
But if you'd let me
Make you ribbons from a paper bag
God who’s voice is this and how did he get inside my head?
All he wanted was to love her. All he wanted was to see her be happy. They had always been friends, sure they exchanged barbs right and left, but he would have laid in traffic for her even when she was a bratty 9 year old that called him Spitter Witter. Of course he did call her Teeter Totter Potter, but damn she was so clumsy when didn’t she have a bruise or a scrape? When did she become Joey Potter, the woman of his dreams?
Josephine
You're so good to me
And I know
It ain't easy
His breath caught in his throat as bright green sparkling comets shot and erupted above him, showering glittering crackling debris in their wake.
“Dean can we stop listening to this whiny chick music? Last time I checked we weren’t at Lilith Fair!” Pacey could hear Kevin’s complaints, but he prayed to some distant god that Dean didn’t switch the channel. This song, with her name, which still seemed to have its grip on his heart was one that Pacey had to hear all the way through.
“Kevin, you touch that dial I’ll break your wrist, I love the Wallflowers and I’m sure as shit not going to attempt to find another station. Because if I do that I won’t be able to keep an eye on your sneaky fingers touching the cash in the pot.”
Pacey sighed in relief.
Josephine
You're so sweet
You must taste just like sugar & tangerines
Pacey sighed again…He put
his head in his hands, running his fingers through his hair that could use a
good washing. He looked in the night sky and remembered what his brother said
over coffee and donuts, that he would see her in the stars of any night sky.
Never would he think his brother could be
right, but this summer it was so true.
I won't make a sound
Sleep on the ground
When you wake I will
Drive you into town
I missed your smile
Your schoolgirl style
But I never had much fun
Maybe the very first mile
Watching her sleep…that was something that calmed him almost as much as being underwater. He’s sure he watched her sleep a million times, but he never really paid attention until that night at the B&B. Mrs. Ryan just got done telling a story that usually would have bored him to death, but it really struck him. That day was hellish…she yelled at him and blamed him for so much, but it all worked out in the end and tucking that blanket over her was just something that seemed right. Everyone else had gone to their rooms and some even went home, but watching her, as the fire filled the room with light, there was no where else he wanted to be.
After their summer, he always felt compelled to just drive to her place, to peek in her window like some deranged freak…but he could see her and know she was okay. How many times did he bite his tongue when he wanted to ask her to spend the night? Why did he stop himself?
Josephine
You're so good to me
And I know
It ain't easy
Josephine
You're so sweet
You must taste just like sugar & tangerines
Joey would have hated this song…just like Andie hated it when he sang Barry Manilow’s “Mandy” with her name instead. But that Dylan guy knew what he was doing when he wrote this song. Did he stop by the Icehouse on route to some gig in Boston or anywhere other than Capeside? Because judging by the words Pacey was hearing, this man had a Joey in his life…in a way it was a relief to know there were more of these women out there. Because it just meant that he wasn’t the only man that would be sitting up one night haunted by a woman.
Don't you know
I watched you walkin' home from school
Your friends on the old playgrounds
You never looked so down
Again, if not for the interruption of bright red explosion, shimmering on the dark water he would have had to fight tears. Instead he just closed his eyes and remembered her. Remembered how she would wait on the front steps of Capeside elementary with her frayed backpack that was probably once Bessie’s, in the corduroys that Pacey knew were Bessie’s…her eyes would light up when Mrs. Potter’s rickety old station wagon that seemed more rust that car would pull up. Joey would scamper to her mother’s car and that was when Pacey knew he could begin the long bike ride home. He would turn down walking home with Dawson, even though he knew Mrs. Leery would have cookies waiting and he and Dawson could spend the early afternoon hours watching G.I. Joes and Go-Bots. There was something about Joey even then that kept Pacey at bay. And in many quiet ways throughout his life she was there for him…Just not now
Won't you come and help
me with these cuts of mine?
I've disconnected my heart
And cut myself on the wires
Josephine
Pacey nearly dropped his can of Cerveza beer. He hated this Mexican beer but Kevin foolishly bought a case of it a couple weeks ago and now they all suffered to drink the swill and suffered the next day with the horrible hangovers it brought. He needed her. No matter how he tried to deny it…he needed her. He could say that her moving to Boston and his going from boat to boat and odd job to job would be easy, but that would be a lie.
I know I was wrong
I knew all along
But I got so far from my home
I never thought I'd be so lonesome
She was with him everywhere, her voice, her smell…he swore that he heard her laughter from some waitress in Barbados. He had to leave her and find his own way, but no one told him she would linger on no matter how far he fled.
Maybe he could stop running….maybe.