Wherever You Are ~ Chapters 1-5

(collectively written by the Joshers at Joshers United)

Chapter Six: by sophie8 (Mary)

It's windy out on the seas today, and very evident as Pacey tries to make his way to the front of the boat. The constant swaying back and forth forces him to get rid of his beer, sit down, relax, and watch the sun rise.

Three months had gone by. Three months on a boat alone, yet happy. Happy because Pacey had learned how easy it is to drown his heartache. He spent day after day forcing his pain out, till it plummeted to the ocean floor. And now the day has come, the end of it all. The end of his happiness? How could that be? Getting off this boat could not possibly mean forever sadness. He had been cursed with that fate the day of his Senior Prom.

Looking back now, it all seemed so long ago. Two lovers, hearts breaking, the words of that night echo in his mind. Both of them knowing that when they stepped off that boat, their lives would never be the same again. The silence between them in the "limo" made the both of them realize that fact.

Thousands of miles away from her, not a day went by without the thought of Joey Potter. The heartache was washed away, but she remained with him. And even now, a few hours away from Capeside... she swam into his mind. He thinks back to the day she left with him to sail the seas...

She comes to me
In her prewashed bright blue jeans
Bag sewn tightly
Pursed lips are kissing me

He wonders where she is right now. Will she be in Capeside or already in Boston? Has she moved on without him? But why should he care? He seemed to have survived without Joey Potter for 3 months. He suspects she has done the same.

Back up to college
Just a few miles down the road
And we remember
Something we've never been told

In his mind he pictures her standing on the dock, waiting for him to come home. Because home is dry land, with his true love.

Come up on dry land
I've had too much to drink
I'm tired and need some sleep

He imagines how this fall will be... Will her heart find his as the leaves turn brown? Will she need the comfort of his warmth as she can't sleep?

Come September
Cold mornings open up
Make incisions
And cut egos will erupt

What did you find
Hidden in your mind's deep recess
When the going gets tough
You and I must take a rest

Come up on dry land
Your coming into your own
But hey that's not my fault

Come up on to this dry land
Won't you let me lend a hand
Come up on to this dry land

In the distance, he can see the mass of land that is Capeside. With deep breaths, memories came flooding back. He could almost hear her talking to him, like the summer before. Pretending she was beside him comforted him. With her he felt at peace. By the sea he felt at home. The two together, he saw heaven. He remembers them jumping off the boat for one last swim... Heaven in the sea, hell on dry land.

And when I surfaced
Mountains opened up like fish
Breathe through gills now
And I'm making one small wish

With heaven beside me
There is no one can do me harm
But the devil inside me
At least then I can stay warm

He can almost see her standing on the dock, arms outstretched, pulling him back into her heart.

Come up on dry land
She understood her fate
You can't take stands too late

Come up on to this dry land
Won't you let me lend a hand
Come up on to this dry land

Chapter Seven: by Jenn23 (Jenn)

Why did I agree to this? The last thing I feel like doing after this week is going to a party. And I don't think fraternity row is exactly my scene. The only reason I agreed to this excursion my new roommate cooked up was because Jen and Jack said they'd go too. I can't believe they backed out on me. They would rather go to some "welcome freshmen" get-together at Boston Bay's student union than a frat party full of trust fund Worthington snobs. Hmm, I guess I don't blame them.

Amazingly, I survived my first week of classes here. I think it will be more amazing if I can survive this first weekend. However, I somehow managed to survive the summer. This weekend should be a breeze. The Dean is back on campus. I read an interview he did with the school paper. I guess that means Pacey is home too… wherever home is to him now. I talked to Bessie the other day. She said she hasn't seen him in Capeside. Who knows, maybe he stayed in the Caribbean. I wish I knew where he was and how he was. I haven't heard from him since he called. That was months ago...

"Joey… are you almost ready?" My roommate, Audrey, charges into the room all made up.

I shrug. "Yeah, I guess."

"Umm, you're not wearing THAT, are you?"

"I was thinking about it, why?"

"This is the first party of the year. Do you know what strings I had to pull to get us on the list? Not to mention getting your friends who don't even go here on the list, just to have them back out at the last minute."

"Who cares what I wear? Seriously, who do I have to impress?"

"Everyone. Joey, first impression is everything. If you want to get invited back, you have to make a statement. A positive one." She walks over to her closet and sifts through it before picking something out. "Here."

"What?"

She holds them out to me. "Put these on… and make it quick. We don't want to be late."

I sigh and take the clothes from her. After I change she attacks me with makeup.

"Really, is all this necessary?"

"Yes! Now, you're going to have fun tonight. Whether you like it or not. And try putting on a smile. It makes all the difference."

There's a knock on the door. "That must be the guys!" she says excitedly and rushes to the door.

"The guys?" I ask, confused.

She opens the door and lets in three guys. "This is my roommate, Joey. Joey… this is Zach, Mark, and Brian. They're Sig Eps… you know, where the party is."

"Nice to meet you." I shake their hands.

"Well, are we ready?" Brian asks with a smile.

I nod hesitantly, "As ready as I'll ever be."

Audrey grabs my arm. "Great! Let's go!"

This party is very loud. It's very smoky. It's very… cliché.

I feel like I'm in one of those lame movies where there's a huge monumental party. Everyone appears to be having a great time on the outside. But all of the partygoers have their own little dramas swimming around on the inside. I am standing alone on the outskirts of the large crowded room and observing everything. I feel like I'm backed up against a wall. There are people dancing and/or making out in every direction. I wonder how many of these people even know each other's name. I have no idea where Audrey went. She disappeared up the stairs well over an hour ago with Zach or Mark. I forget which one was which.

My thoughts are interrupted by a familiar voice.

"Joey, right?"

I turn and see Brian. "That's me."

"What are you doing standing here all alone?"

"Just taking it all in, I guess."

"What's the matter? Don't like your drink?" He taps the rim of my still-full cup of beer.

"I'm not that fond of stale keg beer."

He takes my cup and then my hand. "Follow me." We walk over to a large tub full of ice and assorted beverages. "Usually we only let freshmen have the crappy beer. But… I'll make an exception for you." He smiles and pulls out a bottle, twisting off its cap. "Here. Try this."

I take a drink. It's tastes like lemonade. "Thanks."

"Better?"

"Much."

"So, where did your roommate run off to?"

"No idea. I think I saw her heading upstairs with one of your friends."

"Ah… that must have been Zach. He's a good friend and all, but he can be a real dick."

"Why?"

"He's the one that got you two on the list. She's probably reimbursing him now, for lack of a better word."

"Oh my god… she said she had to pull some strings, but…"

"Like I said, he can be a real ass. To girls anyway."

"But you're a genuine nice guy, right?"

"Well, I don't know how 'nice' I am, but if you want to come to the next party in a couple of weeks, I won't make you sleep with me."

I smile. "That's good to know."

"So, you would come back?"

"Maybe… got another one of these?" I hold up my empty bottle.

"Sure thing." He gets me another lemonade.

We continue talking for quite some time. Long enough for me to have acquired five empty bottles, starting on my sixth. And I'm starting to feel it.

"You really like those lemonades, huh?"

"Mmmm, I do." My speech is starting to slur.

"Why don't you let me have that." He takes the bottle out of my hand. "I don't want to have to carry you home tonight."

Because you are forcing me to make the ultimate guy maneuver…

I am taken back to that night of Jen's un-birthday party.

Before I have to drag you kicking and screaming, but now you want to be carried? No...

"Joey?" I shake the thoughts out of my head and look over at him. "Where'd you go?"

"Sorry, my mind wandered off for a minute there."

"Well, I think it should wander over to the dance floor." He stands up and reaches out his hand. "How about it?"

"Oh, I don't know…"

"Come on, just one dance… they're even playing a slow song."

"Okay, but just one." I take his hand and stand up. A rush of dizziness hits me from the alcohol.

"Whoa, you okay?"

"Yeah. I just stood up too fast."

We get out on the dance floor, and I feel like I'm draping over him. I'm having trouble maintaining any balance on my own, so I'm almost clinging to him. I haven't been this close to a guy in a long time. I rest my head on his shoulder and close my eyes as we dance, trying to remember the feeling of being in Pacey's arms… Trying to recapture a moment where I didn't feel so empty.

"Joey?" I hear him say in an almost whisper.

I look up. "Yeah?"

He leans in and kisses me.

For a brief moment, I try to make myself want to kiss him back.

But I can't.

This can't happen.

I pull away and lightly push him away from me, putting some space between us.

"I'm sorry... I have to go." I turn and walk off, not knowing where to go. Feeling as lost as ever. Stumbling every few steps from drinking too much.

I walk by the large tub. It's much emptier now, but I grab another hard lemonade before continuing to wherever I'm trying to go.

I find my way to the front door and walk outside. I sit down on a chair on the large porch.

It's quiet out here.

Except for the occasional person leaving... walking out into the dark of the night.

The saddest sound I've ever heard...
The saddest sound I've ever heard...
The quiet that takes the place of the silence...
That takes the place of your voice

I feel numb.

Maybe it's from the alcohol.

It must be covering up the pain somehow. Because I'm crying, and I'm not exactly sure why.

It's so damn quiet out here.

Or maybe it just seems that way because it was so loud inside.

I wonder how silence echoes.

You're right...
Reasons are dumb, and I'm just talking too much
And I want to be alone with what I am...
Wasted

"Hey, are you all right?" He breaks the silence.

"I'm fine," I say, wiping my eyes.

"You don't look fine."

"I'm sorry, Brian..."

"Don't apologize. I shouldn't have kissed you. I guess I got caught up in the moment. I knew you had been drinking. I should have known not to cross the line. I'm sure your boyfriend wouldn't appreciate some random frat boy kissing you."

"My boyfriend?"

"Sorry, I just assumed you had one..."

"Well, I don't. Not anymore."

"Want to talk about it?"

I shake my head. "No. I just want to be alone." I stand up to begin my journey home.

"Do you want me to walk you back to your dorm?"

"I'll get there on my own, but thanks anyway," I say without looking back.

The cruelest voice comes back to me
The cruelest thing... you think you didn't know me

As I walk home, a rush of memories invades me.

Suddenly, I can hear his voice.

I can feel his anger.

When I'm with you, I feel like I'm nothing! I feel like I'm nothing.

And more tears fall.

It's all right...
I am on the outside now - smiling
But eyes don't lie...

I reach my dorm and wipe my eyes as the elevator takes me up to my floor. As I get out of the elevator, I pass one of my floormates.

"Joey! How was the big party?"

I put on a fake smile. "Oh, it was a lot of fun." My voice lacks enthusiam.

"Was it?" She knows I'm covering something up.

I nod lightly, and start walking again.

"Joey? Is everything okay?" she calls out at me, concerned.

I ignore her and continue on to my room. I walk inside and close the door behind me... leaving me in the darkness and in silence once again.

Alone.

You're right...
Reasons are dumb, and I'm just talking too much
And I want to be alone with what I am...
Wasted

I lie in my bed, still crying.

I hear Audrey come in. It's almost 4:00 in the morning.

"Hey..." I hear her whisper. "Are you awake?"

I pretend not to hear her. I don't feel like discussing her encounters of the evening, much less having her attempt to delve into my own emotional baggage.

I hear her get in her bed and shortly thereafter, she is breathing heavy. She must have passed out.

I'm surprised I haven't yet.

I'll just come apart or something
No one could be more empty than I am
And I would take it all back if I could...

I miss him so much.

I wonder if he misses me too.

I wish he would just call.

I wish he would have come home before I had to leave.

I wish I could change so much of what happened last spring.

But I can't...

I cry silently until I eventually fall asleep.

Early the next morning, I hear the phone ringing. For a moment, I think it is just the ringing in my head. I've only been sleeping for a few hours. I cannot get up to answer it. Audrey doesn't even move as it rings.

"Voice mail can get it," I mumble to myself.

It stops ringing, and I roll over and I quickly drift back to sleep.

VOICEMAIL MESSAGE: Joey... It's Bessie. I wanted to let you know that I saw Pacey last night. He's back in Capeside. I tried calling you then, but you must not have been home. I thought you would want to know. If you need anything, give me a call. Love you, sis.

Chapter Eight: By mvluvsdg (Mel)

Dawson sits in his room, flipping the channels watching the carnage unfold on CNN and all the other networks. He sighs sitting on the foot of his bed in the small dorm room. He shuts the television off unable to keep watching the news. It was like he was watching one of his videos...it was like Independence Day or Armageddon. But this wasn't a film. Ben Affleck or Will Smith wasn't going to swoop in and save the day...not this time.

All day the phones were tied up, it was impossible to call home. He even sent e-mails but he knew that Mitch and Gale weren't the type that logged on very often, so he had been trying every hour to call and make sure everyone was okay. Andie sent them all a frantic e-mail, he hoped that everyone had responded to it...and he would too, just not now.

His roommate went to stay with his parents and most of the floor was vacant. Now with the television off the silence was too evasive. He scanned his bookshelves, lined with video tapes and DVDs and found the one he wanted to watch.

He grabbed the anonymous tape, put it in the VCR and snapped his television on again.

He needed to feel safe and this was the only way he could.

"Hey Dawson, are you going to stand behind that camera forever?" Pacey stood there on the dock, a sly grin over his lips and the headpiece from his costume held at his hip. "I'd love to play creature from the black lagoon all day, but c'mon the beach will be flocked with hotties!"

Dawson chuckled seeing Joey roll her eyes as she overheard Pacey.

"Pacey, I'm sure the hotties will be grateful and thank Dawson for keeping you occupied," she shrugged, her tank top strap fell lower off her shoulder revealing a pale patch of skin that hadn't been exposed to the summer sun. She adjusted her fallen strap and smoothed her hair in annoyance as Pacey let his wet arm drip on her.

"Oh Potter!" He kneeled down to face her, "Jealousy looks so good on you" He makes a kissing noise with his lips and grins.

Dawson could hear his own laughter from behind the camera as Joey seemed to fight a wave of rage or repulsion and then shoved Pacey away from her, causing him to fall off the dock and into the creek below. As Pacey comes up from the water he looks up and Joey with a smirk. She stands, her hands defiantly on her hips.

"Nice to see that the creature can swim." She walks off tossing her brown hair over her shoulder.

"I'm telling you Leery.." Pacey climbs back on the dock. "I don't know how you ever can call her your best friend over me."

"You are both my friends Pace." A towel is thrown at Pacey from off-camera. "You always will be." Pacey grins and the footage stops.

Dawson stops the tape and lets those words, spoken only a few years ago echo in his head.

He grabs the phone again, hitting redial and being greeted with the same busy signal.

The sun is slowly starting to set, making the campus and all of LA seem hazy and golden. He flips the video back on, smiling seeing Jen look at him curiously through the camera.

"Dawson, have you always lived behind the camera?" She sits, her large eyes mesmerizing him as they did then. "If you keep doing that you'll miss out on life."

He looks outside again. Couples and groups of people are mingling on the campus grounds. Jen is still talking and he hears his own voice giving her direction, but he can't help but let the voices fade into the background. It's just nice being able to feel like they are all there with him.

He spends his nights in California, watching the stars on the big screen
Then he lies awake and he wonders, why can't that be me

He hears Jen's playful shriek and smiles watching her run from Pacey in his full costume.

"CUT!" His own voice loud in the background. Pacey rips the headpiece off.

"Dawson, I swear that was like the what twentieth take?" Pacey looks to Jen, eyeing her up and down.

"Maybe if the chaser was more focused on what he was doing and not the CHASEE this take would have been done hours ago." Joey walks into the camera's view, her scowl focused on Pacey.

"Show me a little love Potter, wearing this ugly suit takes something from what usually would be a..." he pauses and smiles at Jen. "A stellar performance." Jen smiles cooly and then looks back at Dawson waiting for his cues.

The three of them are there...waiting for him. Dawson pauses the tape, looking at his friends on the screen and then at the photo of them all outside of Leery's the night Andie called them all together. They all looked so different and now nothing could make them all come together as they were that night. Even the party before graduation was tense at times and that really was the last time they all were together.

Cause in his life he is filled with all these good intentions
He's left a lot of things he'd rather not mention right now

He lays back on his bed. Remembering a time that to think of it again made his skin crawl.

He stood in his room, she was in the doorway and they were yelling.

"Friendship, Joey, right now, we don't have a friendship. We don't have a friendship right now!"

He remember how shocked she looked, how she didn't believe what he said and she paled, almost as light as the shirt she was wearing.

"What?"

Why did he keep pushing? Why did he let this envy and the jealousy infect him?

"As of this moment, we do not have a friendship." When he said that, it was as if he sucker punched Joey. Her eyes seemed to both widen and fill with tears simultaneously, like he was pulling her heart in one direction and outside Pacey was holding another piece. And she reacted just like he thought she would. She got angry.

"That is not fair!"

He should have consoled her. He should have let her know that even though his heart was aching that if she really loved Pacey and Pacey really loved her ...which he did, that there was nothing he could say to prevent that. Looking back he knew that they loved each other in a way that was so deep and so true and pushing them away was a horrible thing to do. When Dawson kissed her the years before, Pacey was genuinely happy for them knowing it was something that made sense. Why couldn't he feel the same happiness for Joey and Pacey?

Instead of extending that happiness...he lashed out, letting his envy and foolish pride take over.

"You can't have both of us! You can't have him as your boyfriend and me as your consolation
prize. You're going to have to make a choice. And I'm telling you right now, if you choose him, I'm not gonna be around to pick up the pieces when it falls apart. This ruins everything. There is no going back."

She was crying then. She was hurt and he knew it and he didn't care. She was begging and to watch her his heart was breaking.

"Okay. What do you want me to say? Tell me what you want me to say? What do you want to hear?

Her words echoed and Dawson started the tape again. He stopped it and began to fast forward it.

But just before he says goodnight, he looks up with a little smile at me and he says...

He stopped the tape and hit play again. It was footage from his last movie. Joey and Pacey are chatting by a table of props and laughing. Joey shoves Pacey away from her and he dramatically falls to the ground causing Joey to laugh again.

They were really becoming friends then, no matter how much they denied it.

He shuts the tape off again and ejects it, going to place it back on the shelf next to a box of photos. As he tries to put the tape back into it's case he fumbles, losing his balance and causing the box of pictures to fall off the shelf, sending a shower of black and white prints all over his bed and desk. The first that falls face up onto his desk is the same picture he put in the Minutemen yearbook of Pacey and Joey.

If I could be like that, I would give anything
Just to live one day, in those shoes
If I could be like that, what would I do, what would I do

He grabs it and looks at it, seeing how he invaded a private moment between them...but how else can you capture intimacy?

He laid back on his bed and closed his eyes...remembering his friends

Now in dreams we run

Joey is sitting in a park near Worthington campus. She is watching kids and families and couples pass by on the trails that are slightly blanketed by fallen leaves.

Boston was a great city. Even though today police were swarming downtown. She hoped it had nothing to do with the craziness of yesterday, because she could only watch so much CNN. Bessie called about a billion times and hinted that she should come home, but going home wouldn't change things. It would just be that much harder to leave. She just needed to find a place to settle her mind and put her heart more at ease.

She spends her days up in the north park, watching the people as they pass
And all she wants is just a little piece of this dream, is that too much to ask

She thinks of one of the last times she felt safe...and of course it was with Pacey.

A person that invaded her mind, heart, and soul so many times a day lately she lost count. She tried not to look in the crowds for his face, but it was hard to not wish that he'd knock on her door and they could explore Boston like they explored so much of the world last summer.

Jo, you can't leave. I mean, this is it now. This is... this is your life, and you should enjoy it.

She was trying...she was trying so hard to block out her old life and start fresh. But you can't deny your past and its pull on you.

A man passed by, his hair slightly curling on its ends. His worn corduroy jacket caught Joey's breath in her throat. She looked at his face, hoping to see Pacey...but it was a stranger.

Jo, I was jealous. I wasn't jealous of you, but I was certainly jealous of the rest of the kids who were gonna get to experience you next year. 'Cause they're gonna get to be with you, and I'm not.

Didn't he know all he had to do was show up? She would do whatever she could to make him be a part of her life here. Besides she really wasn't doing much other than going to classes. Audrey tried to drag her to parties and make her forget everything Capeside, but it just didn't work. Every party made her think of ones she shared with him. They would have laughed at the same people and mocked the same drunks. Instead she walked home alone, carrying him in her heart, letting him haunt her soul again.

The man in the corduroy jacket sat a nearby bench across from Joey. A woman in a worn emerald colored-velvet coat with a stroller sits next to him with a smile. Her dark hair is piled into a loose bun and he takes her hand, bringing it to his lips and kissing it. They gaze into each other's eyes adoringly and then focus on the squealing laughter from the stroller.

With a safe home, and a warm bed, on a quiet little street
All she wants is just that something to hold onto, that's all she needs

That could be us someday.

She shook her head.

There is no US! He didn't even say goodbye, he didn't really keep in contact with you all summer...he didn't...

She stopped herself and got up to start the walk back to campus. She couldn't help but stare at the couple as she passed. They looked so happy....

If I could be like that, I would give anything
Just to live one day, in those shoes
If I could be like that, what would I do, what would I do

She walks down a tunnel to head to catch a train back to campus. As she goes completely downstairs Pacey passes as he explores Boston.

I'm falling into this, in dreams we run away

He had no idea why he really came here. He drove from Capeside last night. There was something about the craziness from D.C. and New York that made him have to see his friends again. Each time he went by Jen and Jack's new place only Grams was there. She of course invited him in and tried to convince him to go to mass with her. And he considered it, but instead decided to walk around the campuses he wasn't going to attend. Boston Bay was nice and bustling. He could totally see how Jack and Jen would fit in there. He hoped that Jen's family was okay in New York, but knew that no matter what happened Jen would deal with it in that strong way she dealt with everything.

He walked through the bustling city streets, hearing the sirens from behind him. This was far from the sleepy streets of Capeside and the markets by the docks in Jamaica. The world was falling apart today and he thought his world crumbled enough this past spring.

There was hope in the end.

He really hoped she held on to that like he had.

I think I--I should probably go off and live my own life for a little while. That certainly doesn't mean that this is how I want it to end between us. So hypothetically speaking... if I were lucky enough one day to find myself owning a sailboat again, and I were to ask the woman that I love to go sailing with me... would she?

He remembered how he searched her eyes and saw them...filled with tears, but something more was there. That same something more that she had in them last summer. When she ran onto his dock and told him she loved him, that she was in love with him.

You wouldn't have to ask, Pace. I'll see you

She didn't have to run into his arms that night, he wouldn't have deserved it. But that was enough...just knowing he wouldn't have to ask.

Would she want to see him?
Could he stay in a city knowing she could see the same moon and stars?

If I could be like that, I would give anything
Just to live one day, in those shoes
If I could be like that, what would I do, what would I do?

He had to stay here just to see if the hope he carried all summer was something he could rely on. Or was it just a delusion?

Could she have moved on?
Found someone new? Or old?

He passed by people he could only assume were students. Their backpacks a clear sign of their status, of what Pacey wasn't and everyone else from the circle back home was. It wasn't that he was envious, of course that was a lie. How could he not be envious of the lives his friends were having without him? But then again, this summer he saw things they didn't...Joey would know exactly what he went through if he sat with her and shared his stories of storms and winds and stars that made the sea glow. But he has seen those stars before and saw now them each time he thought of her eyes.

If I could be like that, I would give anything
Just to live one day, in those shoes
If I could be like that, what would I do, what would I do?

If he stayed in Boston he would need a job, someone had to want someone with no class schedule to work around. A job would be easy, a place could be tough. But maybe it was supposed to be tough...life was never easy for a Witter. Even though last year he thought he finally caught luck and that that love would last.

Maybe this year's love would last.

He just needed to get it back.

Falling in
I feel I am falling in, to this again

Chapter Nine: by Jenn23 (Jenn)

A gutter full of rain
An empty picture frame
A house out at the edge of the city
Never noticing the war
'Til it's right there at your door
And suddenly your hands are bloody

It's raining now.

Not only here, but in New York.

I've been sitting in a small diner for hours and watching news coverage while it's been pouring down on the city. What a nightmare.

Hell on earth.

Everything that happened last spring--all the pain and misery and anger and sadness--it can't compare to what those people went through. What their families are going to go through for the rest of their lives.

I reach into my pocket and pull out a picture of her. A picture from when we were in the Keys. A picture I had kept in a frame next to my bed in my cabin all summer long. The only momento I had of her with me. The one I hold nearest to my heart. The one that symbolizes when we were at our happiest. A time when we thought we were indestructable.

Nothing is indestructable though.

That was made painfully obvious Tuesday morning.

All of our differences... they are so insignificant now.

We were so worried about holding each other back and hurting each other, and the way I dealt with my fears did exactly what I was trying so hard to avoid.

I look out the window and see that the rain has let up. It's still coming down, but not nearly as hard.

I hail a cab and head back towards Grams' house again. Maybe she's there this time. I don't even know what I'll say to her. For all I know, she hates me right now. But I have to see her. I need to see her.

I have to know that she's okay.

I walk up to the door and knock.

I wait.

There is no answer.

I sit down on the porch. The rain becomes steadily faster again. I watch and listen as it falls... my mind drifting back and forth between New York and Washington and wherever she might be right now. There's nowhere else for me to go.

After what seems like an eternity, headlights pull up in front of me--shining brightly on me. I see Grams step out of her car and raise an umbrella. She must be returning from another prayer service at church.

"Pacey, dear... why are you sitting in the rain? You're going to catch a cold. Come inside and get dry."

I walk in behind her and explain myself. "Sorry to come back here again, Mrs. Ryan. But I'm looking for Joey. I thought maybe she would be here. How is she doing?"

"Honestly... she's not handling any of this well. It's been scary for all of us. But she's taking it particularly hard. I've tried to get her to come stay with us here, but she refuses. I think she feels alone. And the loss of lives in New York and Washington... I think it's resurfaced the losses she's suffered in her life. Painful memories about her mother..."

I sigh. That's what I was scared of. I want to be there for her. She has to need me as much as I need her.

Grams continues, "She went to a candle lighting vigil on Worthington's campus tonight. It should be starting soon... well, when the rain lets up again. Jen and Jack are there with her. Maybe you should join them?"

"I think that might be a good idea." I start towards the door and she grabs my arm, stopping me.

"Here, take my car." She holds her keys out to me. "You know how to get there, right?"

"Yeah... thank you so much."

I was seeking to possess
Now another girl's caress
Is on your flesh
The bitterness is tasted
There's nobody in your chair
No hand to touch your hair
The sun even the air seems wasted

By the time I get to Worthington, the rain has almost completely stopped. I park the car across the street from where a massive crowd of students and professors have gathered. The now dark evening is alighted with the flames of the candles they hold.

I walk closer, scanning the crowd, hoping to find her.

When I see her, she is crying. She looks devastated. It's a sight more than I can bear. Jen is crying on Jack. And she is standing there alone. I have to go to her.

As I approach, I see her turn towards someone else. I see her seeking solace in someone who isn't me. The two girls hug and share tears.

Maybe I was wrong coming here. Maybe I was delusional thinking that she still needs me to be her rock. Maybe she has moved on. She's made new friends. She has support outside of me. She has someone to comfort her in a time of sadness.

All I really did was abandon her.

Let it go now
Let it all slip away
And we'll start it all over again
Me like a million others before
Trying to make sense of the rain

I turn and start walking back to Grams' car when someone stops me.

"Would you like to light a candle?"

I nod and take the candle from the girl, most likely a Worthington student, and I light it. She walks away, offering candles to others around me.

I hold the candle, watching her from a distance for a few moments...

Until there is a clap of thunder. And the rain begins to trickle again.

My candle extinguishes into a tiny stream of smoke. I look up from my candle to the crowd of people and see the light dimming.

I shake my head and walk back to the car to return it to Grams.

Were these twenty years a dream
Was it ever as it seemed
Get to wonder if it really existed
'Cause the thief who stole my life
Has taken too my faith
I can see how the world gets twisted

I take a cab back to a motel.

I'm drawn back to the television--back to the horror.

It seems like a dream. It's all so unreal. I wish the country could wake up from this nightmare.

How could this have happened? How could God let it happen? How could so much be destroyed in a matter of minutes? How can anyone be so deranged to act out this way?

I keep hearing all of these stories of men who've lost their wives. Wives who've lost their husbands. Children who will grow up never knowing their mother or father. Stories of last minute phone calls and emails to say "I love you" and goodbye.

Our circumstances weren't extreme compared to these stories, but I never gave her a chance to say goodbye. I never told her goodbye. I didn't want to have to say goodbye.

All of my regrets and all of my guilt are becoming more apparent and harder to ignore with every story I hear. I have to see her. Now more than ever.

I pick up the phone. This time I call Grams' house. Jen answers. She tells me what I need to know--where I need to go. And I'm on my way.

Let it go now
Let it all slip away
And we'll start it all over again
Me like a million others before
Trying to make sense of the rain

I reach her dorm. I'm standing in the rain again. I should have known the doors would be locked at this time of night.

I wait until a girl finally approaches, using her key to enter the building. I convince her to let me in. She even helps sneak me on to the elevator that will lead me up to Joey's floor.

I arrive at her door and I freeze.

I take a moment to collect myself and finally gather up the will to knock.

A few moments pass and the door opens.

Her eyes look tired. I don't know if I woke her, or maybe it's that she hasn't been sleeping much lately. Her face is tear-streaked.

She's still the most beautiful sight I've ever seen.

The sadness in her eyes is replaced with surprise when she sees me.

Not a word is said, but somehow an entire conversation is spoken between us. In this moment, all of the unanswered questions don't need answers.

She falls into my accepting arms and sobs against my shoulder. It feels like she is holding on for dear life. And to tell the truth, I know I am.

I see the girl from earlier tonight watching us from inside the room. It must be her roommate.

We pull apart and she looks up at me. The look of surprise in her eyes has now been replaced with disbelief. She reaches up and touches my face, as if she is trying to convince herself that I'm really here.

She starts to say something, but stumbles on her words. "Wha-- How did you--"

"Shhh..." I cut her off and pull her back to me, stroking her hair. "I just knew I needed to be here right now."

In spite of all the shame
Sometimes I hear your name
I think of us when we were younger
Then I'm shutting out the noise
And I'm trying to hear the voice
That used to tell me love was stronger

Somehow we decided to take a walk. I think to get away from the prying ears and eyes of her roommate. Whatever it was, we ended up walking around campus and eventually wandered into the streets of Boston. The drizzling rain ceased well over an hour ago, but the street lights are reflecting off the wet pavement as we stroll along.

We've been walking for quite some time, but barely a word has been uttered by either of us. I think we've both silently agreed to put what happened between us last spring on hold for now. Though I'm sure it's something we will have to face at some point in time, now is not that time. All that's important right now is the present.

Seeing her again.

Holding her hand.

Walking in silence.

All of the painful memories just don't matter.

Not when we have so many good ones that far outweigh the bad.

Maybe someday we can have more of them.

Ones that I will never take for granted like I did before.

Could that really happen?

In the midst of all the bitter tears and separation?

I think back to the images of New York from the news. All of those people are united, working together as one. Why does it take tragedy to make us appreciate what we have? Why does it take something so drastic to bring people together?

I try to clear my head as we continue walking nowhere.

I am trying to remember how she used to always be able to convince me that everything would be okay.

Together... we were strong enough to overcome anything.

I wonder if she was right.

Light another cigarette
But the one I've got's still lit
I can't seem to keep my fingers steady
Never noticing the war
'Til it's right there at your door
And suddenly your hands are bloody

I pull a cigarette out of my pocket and light it.

She stops, bringing me to a halt as well, and gives me an odd look.

I take the cigarette from my mouth, glance at it, and toss it to the ground.

I don't even like smoking. But all of the guys on the boat did it and they would always offer them up to me. I just started taking them. Who am I--of all people--to deny peer pressue, right? Truthfully, I never really smoked them as much as I just stood around holding them. It was something that never really appealed to me. But I've always been kind of fidgety. So I guess maybe that's why I took them.

I give her a half shrug, noticing that she's still watching me intently.

"You didn't have to put it out." Her voice is quiet.

"I didn't want it," I reply weakly. She's still looking at me. "What?"

"Nothing. It's just that... It's just that you've changed."

"Changed how?"

Now she shrugs. "I don't know... you just seem more--" she searches for the appropriate words, "--grown up, I guess."

"These..." I pull out the pack of cigarettes. "These don't make me grown up. Truth is, I don't even like them. It was just something everyone did on the boat. I sort of followed suit." I toss them into a trash can that we walk by. "Well, not completely followed suit, I guess." I smile lightly.

"I wasn't talking about the cigarettes."

"Oh? What were you talking about?"

"I don't know. Maybe it's just because I haven't seen you for so long..."

"You started to forget me."

"No. Not at all. I mean..."

"You tried to forget me?"

"Pacey, I could never forget you. I just really... missed you."

I look at her and see her tear-filled eyes, clouded by my own. I kiss her forehead and wrap my arms around her. "I missed you too, Potter."

I feel like I'm trembling. Or maybe it's her trembling against me. Or maybe it's both of us.

But for the first time in days, neither one of us is trembling because we're sad, angry, or afraid.

I think that maybe this time, it has more to do with love.

Chapters 1-5