Laughter through Tears

(A lost scene from The Long Goodbye)

“…do you want to come with me?”

Of course I want to go with her, but… “Do you really think that I should?”

She gives me a look of disbelief. “What are you talking about?”

“Well, I… Maybe he doesn’t want me there, Jo.”

“Okay, your father dies tomorrow. You’re at the funeral. You look up and you see Dawson, would that mean something to you? Would seeing one of your oldest friends mean…”

I hold up my hands and start to walk away. “Just give me five minutes. I’ll be right there.”

I go down into the cabin and pack a few things in my duffle bag, my mind still trying to process what has happened. When I go back on deck, I see Joey standing down on the dock, looking out at the water. I step down from the boat and walk up behind her, gently touching her shoulder.

“Hey…”

She jumps slightly and looks back at me. “Hey… you ready?”

I nod, “Yeah…” She turns around and we start to walk, but I stop. “Are you gonna be okay, Jo?”

“I’ll be fine.” She starts to walk again and I fall into step behind her.

Not really believing her, I continue, “Are you sure…”

She interrupts, “Pace, we need to go if we’re going to catch that train.”

I decide to let it go for the time being. “Okay…”

We arrive at the train station and board without a word. Before long, the train starts moving and we are heading back to Capeside

Back to Capeside.

It’s been what, five months now? It seems like I just left. I never thought something like this would be what led me back to Capeside. And when I left by myself all those months ago, I certainly never imagined my return trip would be with her.

Her.

I look over at her. Her head is facing the window and she’s staring blankly out at the passing landscape. I see the reflection of her eyes in the window… too clouded with tears to shine brightly like they did just a few days ago when I saw her again for the first time in so long.

She catches me staring, and my thoughts are interrupted as I notice that her eyes have met mine in the reflection of the glass. She turns her head back facing forward, and I see a small tear trailing down her cheek. I reach over and erase it, but another one falls immediately in its place.

“I’m sorry…” Her voice is shaky.

“Jo, you don’t have anything to be sorry for. It’s okay for you to be upset. It’s okay to show your emotions.”

“I don’t know if I’m going to be able to hold it together for Dawson. I don’t think I’m strong enough. And the last thing he needs is to worry about me… to see me losing it.” She is speaking fast, as more tears fall.

“Joey… nobody expects you to hold it all together. You have to grieve too. He’ll understand.” I try to reassure her.

“I’ve just been such an emotional wreck since I heard. And I’ve been through all of this before, you know? But I still don’t know how to handle it or what to say or do.”

“Nobody knows what to do in situations like this.”

She looks at me and says matter-of-factly, “You did.”

“What?” I draw a blank and wonder what she is referring to.

“You… when my mom died. It was a few days after her funeral… you came to see me.”

Now I remember… I can’t believe she did. “Oh yeah.”

She continues, “I hadn’t smiled in a week. I hadn’t laughed in I don’t know how long. But you got me not only to smile that day, you got me to laugh.”

I smile and nudge her, recalling the memory. “Oh lord, whatever you do, don’t tell my boss this story, okay?”

She teases, a small smile of her own beginning to form. “What… you don’t want him to try out your special recipe chocolate chip cookies?”

Relieved that she looks a little less sad, I keep the recollection going, regardless of how embarrassing it is for me. “This is the thanks I get for trying to do something nice for you, huh?”

“Nice? I remember waking up to a loud crash that came from the kitchen and rushing in there in a panic, only to find you covered in flour.” She laughs lightly, remembering the image.

I miss that laugh.

“Yeah, and you had that annoyed scowl on your face. I thought I was dead meat.”

“You know, I should have put you out of your misery way back then,” she quips.

“Probably… but then you wouldn’t have gotten to enjoy my cookies.” I wink at her.

“Enjoy laughing at them, you mean?” she says pointedly.

“Well, yeah… you know, you really hurt my feelings when you started laughing after I pulled the first batch out of the oven.” I stick out my lower lip and pretend to pout.

She laughs out loud and lightly punches my arm. “They were paper thin! How could you forget the baking soda? Did you not read the back of the Tollhouse package?”

“According to you, I couldn’t read at all. I distinctly remember being called an illiterate idiot, among other things.”

She grins, “I did call you that, didn’t I?”

I nod, “Yes, you did.”

“Okay, well, I sincerely apologize for calling you an illiterate idiot.”

I cough, “Among other things.”

“Yeah, yeah… for whatever else I called you too, then.”

“Aww, you’re forgiven.” She rolls her eyes at me and I smile.

She looks back out the window. “I don’t think I ever thanked you back then.”

“For what? The crappy cookies?”

"No!" I catch her gaze in the glass of the window again and her eyes meet mine. “For making me laugh… and for helping me feel better during the worst time in my life.”

“And for letting you eat cookie dough...” I grin and lightly elbow her, not wanting her smile to dissipate so soon.

She turns back to face me and smirks. “That too… but it’s not like it was bake-able or anything.”

I put my hands over my heart. “Ouch.”

She blinks giving me an “Oh, please” look.

“Seriously though, you don’t know how much it meant to me that you did that for me. I appreciated it more than I showed you.” Her voice is sincere and grateful.

“I know... and I didn't expect you to show it back then. After all, we were sworn enemies, right?”

“Yeah, I’d even go as far as to say that you hated me.”

“I never hated you, Jo. I could never hate you. I just liked to bug the hell out of you.”

She rolls her eyes. “You still do.”

“Yes, I do.”

“But you didn’t have to do all that back then. Just like you don’t have to be doing this now.”

“Doing what? I'm just...”

She cuts me off, “Just being here… I mean, especially after all that happened.”

Doesn’t she know that I’d do anything for her?

“Joey, I’m being a friend. I was being a friend back then. I’m doing what friends do. I’ll always be here for you.”

“You weren’t this summer.” I see tears and pain flooding her eyes again.

Ouch. Now that really hurt. I open my mouth to start to say something – I’m not quite sure what – but she interrupts me again.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I know you had your reasons for needing to be gone.” She turns her head and looks back out the window.

I take her hand. “Joey… I’m here for you now, do you understand that?” She looks back over at me. “I’m here now… for as long as you want me to be. For as long as you need me to be. For as long as you’ll let me be. I promise.”

She puts her head on my shoulder. “Thank you, Pace.”

I let go of her hand and put my arm around her as she cries softly against my shoulder. She is shaking lightly, and I reach over and take her hand with my other hand. “It’s going to be okay, Jo…”

Before long, her quiet sobbing stops and her breathing steadies. She’s fallen asleep. She looks completely exhausted.

We’re almost at our stop in Capeside. She’s still asleep. Her fingers are still entwined with mine. I hate to wake her, but I guess I have to. I bring her hand up to my lips and softly kiss the back of it. I lower it back down and give it a light squeeze before letting go. “Jo…” She doesn’t budge. I gently shake her, and she begins to stir. “Jo, it’s time to wake up, we’re almost at the station.” I rub her arm, as her eyes flutter open. She sits up, putting distance between us, and I remove my arm from behind her.

“Sorry, I fell asleep…”

“It’s okay, you needed some rest.”

We fall silent as the train comes to a halt and we hear the engineer announce our stop.

We exit the train as quietly as we boarded. Bodie is there to meet us, and he drives us back to the B&B, none of us saying much along the way.

When we arrive at the B&B, I can tell Bessie is taken a little off guard when she sees me walk in with Joey. Joey says a quick hello to everyone and then immediately excuses herself and goes to her bedroom.

I offer Bessie help in the kitchen. She is reluctant to accept my offer at first, but after Jen assures her that I’m now a trained professional – well, sort of – in the field of cooking, she puts me to work.

Lunch is almost ready, and Joey still hasn’t come out of her room. Bessie asks me to go check on her and see if she’ll come out.

I walk back to her room, the door is slightly ajar, and I look in at her. She is sitting on her bed, her back to me. I lightly tap the door. “Knock, knock.”

She glances back at me for a split second – which is all I need to see the tears in her eyes – throwing a “Hey” over her shoulder.

I take that as an invitation to go inside. I walk further into the room, closer to where she is. “Lunch is almost ready… Bess wanted me to ask if you were hun… gry.” I barely mumble the last part of the word, as my eyes meet the sad expression on her face, staring down at a photograph.

It’s from graduation.

Their graduation.

I sit down next to her on the bed.

“Gale took this… after the ceremony.” Her voice is quiet.

I look at the picture of Dawson and her, dressed up in their graduation gowns, Mitch standing in between them. “You guys looked happy.”

“It was a happy day.” She looks over at me, her eyes now possessing an additional hint of sadness. “For the most part…” She looks back at the picture.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there. If that’s what you meant. I just…”

“You don’t have to explain. You’re here now, right?”

I nod, unsure of her tone, “Right.”

She sets the picture on the bed beside her and stands up. “I need to go see Dawson… I should see him before the funeral, you know?”

“Of course…”

“You can go with me if you want. I know you haven’t seen him in a long time.”

I stand up and put my hands on her arms. “It’s probably better if I don’t, Jo. I’ll see him later at the funeral. I think you should see him on your own. He needs you right now.”

“I just hope I can hold it together.” She brushes some tears off her face.

“Joey, if you don’t feel like you can let yourself cry around him, because you’re trying to be strong or for whatever reason, you know you can cry around me. My shoulder is here if you need it.”

“Thank you, Pace.” She pulls me into a hug.

My arms instinctively wrap tightly around her waist, holding her close. “It’s the least I can do… you’ve wiped my tears in the past.” I pull back slightly and place a soft kiss on her forehead, closing my eyes. I release my arms from around her and my hands find hers. “You should go…”

“Yeah… I’ll be back before the funeral. Will you be here?” Her question is really more of a request.

“If you want me here. I might go see my family, but I can come back here.”

“I’d like that… I’ll see you later, then.”

“Bye, Jo.”

I let go of her hands and watch as she turns and walks out of the door, on her way to comfort Dawson. I sit back down on the bed and pick up the graduation picture. I stare at it, contemplating what I’ve missed and comparing it with what I’ve gained. I know that leaving was the best thing for me, but it’s still hard thinking about the time I lost here… with my friends... with her. Especially in a time like this when you realize how short life really is.

Now I have tears threatening to fall.

I hear a voice from the doorway, as Jen asks me if I’m going to come out to eat lunch.

Without looking back at her, I nod. “I’ll be there in a minute.”

I hear her walk away and know that she understands that I need a moment or two first. I set the picture down on the bed and stand back up. I look around Joey’s room, taking in my surroundings. It seems emptier since the last time I was in here… before I broke both of our hearts. The walls are barer. It seems almost abandoned, yet peaceful and undisturbed at the same time. I shrug to myself and as I’m turning around to exit the room, I see another picture out of the corner of my eye.

I walk over to her dresser and look at the picture that is taped up on the mirror… it’s us. It’s the Polaroid that was taken on the ski trip. I smile to myself, recalling the moment… recalling the memory… recalling the weekend.

We shared a lot of tears that weekend. We shared a lot of laughter. There is no sweeter sound than the sound of her laughter breaking through a flood of her tears. Nothing more beautiful than seeing her pain dissolve into a smile.

I catch my reflection in the mirror and notice a few stray tears of my own that have fallen. I look back at the picture one last time before turning away and walking towards the door.

I stop briefly, wiping away the dampness on my cheeks, and look around the room a final time. There are a lot of good memories in here. And I swear I can almost hear her laughter echoing all around me. I smile, in spite of myself, and walk out of the room, quietly closing the door behind me.