Misplaced Blame

(A lost scene from High Anxiety)

Am I making sense, or am I just rambling on like a drunken idiot on your machine? I think that's what I'm doing, but that's okay... because you left me a drunken message, and if you hadn't, I probably would've gone back to L.A. You know what? Actually, I would probably still be there right now. And maybe my dad would still be alive. So, thank you, Joey, I appreciate it. Okay... call me. Bye.

I stand there shocked as I hear him finish his drunken diatribe. He hits "end" on his cell phone and walks away with someone I don't know.

I look at Joey, who is standing there frozen... still absorbing the venom he just spat at her. She looks dumbfounded... there is no emotion on her face. The smile she wore just moments ago has melted away, and it's killing me to see.

I approach her, not knowing what else to do, and touch her shoulder. “Jo?”

She jumps slightly at my touch and begins to mutter, “Did he… did he just…?” She stumbles on the words sounding lost.

“Are you okay?” I ask gently.

“I think he just blamed me for his father’s death,” she states blankly.

“Jo, he’s drunk. He didn’t mean it.” I try to reassure her, but without much success.

She snaps back defensively, “Then why did he say it?”

“We say a lot of things we don’t mean when we’re drunk. Dawson’s certainly not immune to that. You do remember his sixteenth birthday party, right?”

For the first time she looks at me. “How could I forget?”

I look in the direction Dawson was escorted off into by one of Jack’s fraternity brothers and see him laughing and carrying on with the others. “It looks like the guys over there are keeping a close eye on him… why don’t we take a walk?” I hold my hand out to her.

She takes my hand and sighs, “Okay.”

We start to walk down the docks, away from the party, passing several other boats along the way. “You know, you’ve said some pretty crazy things when you’ve been drunk yourself.”

“Look, that message I left him…” She stops mid-sentence.

"Message?" I'm unaware of what she is referring to at first, but I quickly piece together what she meant recalling Dawson’s return message to her. “Oh… he said… we don’t have to talk about that. Besides, I was talking about the time you got drunk at Jen’s un-birthday party.”

She rolls her eyes, remembering the night. “Not one of my finer moments, I know… but I didn’t say anything that crazy.”

“You think? Offering to throw away your college career to be a townie with me wasn’t crazy?”

“Well, maybe a little… but just because I was drunk didn’t mean that I…” Once again, she trails off.

I stop walking, stopping her as well, and turn to face her. “Didn't mean that you what?”

“That I didn’t mean what I was saying. Contrary to popular belief, sometimes alcohol brings out our more honest side.” She stares down at the ground.

“Jo?”

She looks back up at me and into my eyes. “Yeah, Pace?”

“I meant what I said too… that night." We begin walking again and I continue, "I mean, I know things didn’t turn out exactly how we thought they would… but I did mean what I said back then.”

“I know you did. You don’t have to reassure me… I know you did because you’re here. Whether it happened the way we planned it to or not is irrelevant… you’re still here. Just like you said you’d be.”

I sigh, somewhat relieved at her response. “Well, it’s not like I came here to watch over you or anything. I mean, I know you can take care of yourself… but it’s nice, you know, just being able to see you…”

“I know, Pacey… and I’m glad you’re here. But just like you didn’t want me giving up college to stay in Capeside with you, I would have never wanted or expected you to give up something that was important to you to come here just to be with me. I never wanted to hold you back either.”

“I know that, Jo. And you wouldn’t have… not intentionally. Technically, it would have been me holding myself back. It wouldn’t have been your fault."

“What do you mean?”

“The reason I left… without so much as a goodbye... the reason I wasn’t able to contact you even once all summer...” She looks at me, still confused. “Joey, telling you… seeing you… that would have held me back. Because there would have been no way in hell that I would have been able to walk away from you again. I didn’t leave the way I did because I didn’t care about you and your feelings. I left like that because I cared so much. It was the only way. So, please don’t ever think I left you behind to hurt you. And I’m sorry if I did hurt you, but like I said, I didn’t know any other way. And the truth is, I never totally left you behind. You were there with me in a way. Whenever I looked up at the stars, you were there… just like Doug told me you'd be a long time ago. Every time we docked in a new place, I thought about all the places we saw together last summer. And most importantly, you were there with me… in my heart. You were always in my heart, Jo.” We stop walking again. She is silent, and I can feel her eyes on me... We’ve walked quite a distance away from the lights of the party, the only light on us now is coming from the stars above us that are few and far between. Through the darkness that I'm just now noticing, I think I can see tears forming in her eyes. “Say something, Jo… unless you want me to keep rambling on and on…”

She finally speaks, quietly, her voice shaky, “Thank you, Pace…”

I reach up and touch her cheek, wiping away a tear I couldn't see, but that I somehow knew was there. “For what?”

“Just hearing you say all that… it somehow makes me feel better about what happened between us… the good and the bad, you know?”

“I know.”

“And it’s funny that you said some of that…”

“Funny?”

“Well, not really funny so much, but in my graduation speech… well, I finally wrote it that night after I talked to you at the graduation party. And I wrote a majority of it with you in mind… like when I said that the people I’m separated from will always be with me, because I’ll carry them in my heart… and when I said that wherever your travels take you, I hope you’ll take me with you. Well, I sort of changed the “me” to “Capeside” since my speech was being directed towards the whole class, but anyway… you get the idea, right? Looking back, it's almost as if somehow I unconsiously knew you were leaving... that you had to go... Okay, now I’m rambling…”

I interrupt her, “I’m sorry I missed your speech.”

“I’m sorry you missed it, too. You don’t know how shocked I was when I heard your name called…”

“Didn’t think I could pull it off, huh?”

“No… I knew you could. Maybe shocked wasn’t the right word… I don’t know, but I was damn proud of you.”

I smile and nudge her. “Aww, thanks… I was actually pretty damn proud of myself, too.”

“You had every right to be.” There’s an awkward silence between us. “Well, we should probably head back… no telling what kind of trouble Dawson and the frat boys are getting into… they are probably trashing your boat, you realize?”

“I don’t know, I would hazard a guess that Dawson is passed out somewhere by now. Even if he’s not though, I'm sure Audrey is keeping them all under control.”

She laughs, “Yeah right! You obviously don't know Audrey. She is probably the leader of the pack.”

“Well, then… let’s head back.” She links her arm with mine and we start walking back. We walk in silence for a few minutes, until I decide to speak again. “So, in a way, you never really went anywhere without me, huh?”

She smiles, “Not really… I told you I wouldn’t. I’ll admit, I often tried to make myself forget. Sometimes I tried really hard. But mostly, I just kept all things concerning you bottled up inside. I still…”

“You still what, Jo?”

“I still don’t talk about it much… I mean, you… us… everything that happened. I mostly just keep it to myself. I guess I still carry what we shared in my heart… I always will. And wherever I go, whoever I’m with… it’s there. And it’s just... mine.” She smiles.

I return her smile. “I understand completely.”

We reach the party and the crowd has thinned out, but there are still a few people lingering around. I don’t see Dawson anywhere.

“Joey!” Her roommate yells out and runs up to us. “Where the hell did you go?”

Joey tells her, “Audrey… can you give me another minute here?”

Audrey replies, “Sure thing… I’ll be over there when you’re ready to leave.” She starts to walk away and quickly turns back around and says to me, “Dawson’s passed out on your boat, by the way.”

I nod, “Thanks, Audrey… I’ll check up on him in a minute.”

Joey sighs, “What a disaster this turned out to be.”

“Where Dawson is concerned, I’ll give you that… but all in all, the night wasn’t a total disaster.”

“I guess you’re right.”

“You know, he didn’t mean what he said, right?”

“I want to believe that.”

“Believe it, Joey… none of this was your fault. It was no one’s fault. He’ll realize that eventually. Just give him time… things are going to be rough on him for awhile, he’s just trying to find a way to cope.”

“You'll take care of him tonight?”

“Of course, I will.”

“I mean, I’d stay and help, but I’m probably the last person he’ll want to see when he’s conscious again.”

“I doubt that, Jo. I’m sure he’ll feel differently in the morning and regret what he said.”

“Like he needs to have more regrets.”

“Joey, it will be fine, I promise. Why don’t you head home… I’ll tell him to call you in the morning, okay?”

She nods, “Thanks again, Pacey…” She wraps her arms around my neck and pulls me into a hug. My arms immediately wrap around her waist. “And not just for looking after Dawson, but for everything tonight… our walk included.”

“You’re welcome, Potter.” I pull away from her and place a small kiss on her forehead. “Go… Audrey’s waiting. I should go check on Dawson.”

“Okay… goodnight, Pace.”

“Night, Jo.”

She walks off in Audrey’s direction. I watch her for a moment before turning around and walking in the opposite direction towards my boat, on my way to tend to Dawson. I reach the boat and I look back at her one last time, only to see her retreating form disappear into the dark night.