Somewhere In Between

(A lost scene from Separation Anxiety)

I can’t be losing sleep over this, no I can’t
And now I cannot stop pacing
Give me a few hours, I’ll have this all sorted out
If my mind would just stop racing
‘Cause I cannot stand still
I can’t be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening
This is over my head, but underneath my feet
‘Cause by tomorrow morning I’ll have this thing beat
And everything be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy
‘Cause I’m waiting for tonight
Then waiting for tomorrow
And I’m somewhere in between,
What is real and just a dream
Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in?
Don’t be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again
I don’t want to run away from this
I know that I just don’t need this
‘Cause I cannot stand still
I can’t be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening
‘Cause I’m waiting for tonight
Then waiting for tomorrow
And I’m somewhere in between,
What is real and just a dream
~ Lifehouse ~

“Pace… Do you think maybe I could come stay with you tonight? We could just… sleep.”

Before I realized it the words had slipped out of my mouth. I couldn’t just let him walk out of that door without me. I couldn’t say goodbye… not yet. I needed him to hold me. Falling into his arms again was so natural. I felt so safe and protected. And now I am lying in his bed… I feel his arms around me. I thought we would talk about things… but we fell silent long before we got back to his place... long before we left mine. It wasn’t an awkward silence this time… it was almost comforting. So much was communicated between us without saying a word.

I’m lying in his arms, my head on his chest, listening to the beat of his heart. The only thing that could tear me away from the most beautiful sound I have ever heard would be to lift my head so that I could kiss his lips. Unfortunately, that’s not going to happen tonight. Will it ever happen again? I want it to. I want it more than anything in the world. But for now, I have to take what I can get… the protection of his arms… the feeling of his body next to mine… and the hope that this isn’t the last time.

I drift away into a sleep so deep… deeper and more peaceful than I have slept since the last time he held me in his arms all night. The first real sleep I’ve had since before that dreadful night at the prom. I find myself in a dream… a dream not like the nightmares that have been keeping me awake for the past week. It feels like last summer… we’re sailing somewhere off the eastern seaboard. I can hear the waves of the ocean… I can smell the Carolina jasmines… I can feel the warmth of the sun as it slowly disappears on the horizon. Suddenly I’m removed from the boat… away from the ocean. I hear a crackling fire. I feel the cool night air. I hear his words echoing around me… “If you felt even one shred of what I feel for you… then we wouldn’t be standing here having this conversation…” I reach out to take his hand… when I grasp onto it, we are no longer outside. We are inside of the cabin at the ski lodge. I can still hear the crackling of the fire… the heat radiates off of us, no longer in the chilled night air. I can hear him whispering in my ear… feel his breath on my skin. His arms are around me… my arms are around him… we’re wrapped up in each other. Neither of us ever wanting to let go of this moment in time as we both find our peace in each other.

She’s asleep now. I can’t see her face, but her head has become heavy on my chest. Her breathing has steadied. I feel her arms tighten around me. Oh God, what is she doing here? This probably wasn’t a good idea. But this could be the last time I ever get to hold her. How could I refuse her when she asked that simple question? I couldn’t. I never could. I probably never will be able to. The truth is, I was relieved when she asked to come home with me. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. My arms ached to hold her again… my body longed to be held by her… if only for one more night.

I open my eyes and look down at her. There is a small smile on her face. She must be dreaming… dreaming of better times. It’s the most beautiful sight in the world… to see her smile again after all of the pain I’ve caused her. The last thing I ever wanted to do was to hurt her. I hate myself for what she must have been going through since the prom. What she still is going through. After I shattered her heart into a thousand pieces over something that wasn’t even her fault. God, I shattered our relationship. I shattered our world. I shattered everything we have shared together. I shattered everything that was ever important to me. And everything was my fault. It shouldn’t have happened like that. I should have handled everything differently, instead of tearing our hearts apart with bitter words that weren’t even the truth.

I continue to watch her as she sleeps. I won’t be sleeping tonight. No matter how much things have changed, there’s something else that will remain the same… I will never get tired of watching her sleep. I could watch her forever. I don’t think she has ever realized that I do this. It brings me more peace than sleep can. Sleep haunts me with nightmares about all of the things I cannot change. Nightmares about my future… without her. And I realize those nightmares are swiftly becoming my reality. But right now, watching her sleep and seeing her smile, I feel more confident that she will be okay. She will get through this unscathed. She has the hope of a happy future ahead of her and that’s more important than mine. Her happiness is all that matters.

It’s almost morning now. I can already hear the birds singing outside of my window. The sun will be coming up soon. Of all of the times we’ve shared together, the one I probably miss the most is watching the sunrise with her in my arms. Those moments were always so perfect. I miss those nights on True Love when we would just sit and talk for hours about everything and nothing at all. We didn’t have to be so serious all of the time… we could just talk. And I loved equally as much when we just sat in silence and watched as the sun came up. I swear, sometimes more was spoken between us in those silences than could ever have been verbally expressed. Every sunrise reminded me of how lucky I was to have her with me for another day. What I would give to go back to last summer on the boat. I would never take one single moment of that experience for granted again. 

I carefully move her head from my chest onto the pillow and unwrap my arms from her. She shifts in her sleep. I brush the hair out of her face and she settles back down. I look at her again… has her smile faded? I shake my head and kiss her forehead, my lips lingering longer than I mean for them to. I softly whisper against her skin, “I love you, Jo,” before pulling away completely. I brush her cheek with my knuckles. “I love you so much.” I get out of bed and walk toward the door, stopping to look back at her sleeping one last time. I watch her, captivated, for a few moments… she still looks at peace… without me. I whisper, “You’ll be okay… I know you will” more to myself than to her, before turning back around and walking out of the door.

I sit on the docks, near the water, waiting for the warmth of the sun to greet me. This is a place that has brought me comfort so many times. The water has this power over me… a power to heal. But now I’m beginning wonder if anything can heal the pain and emptiness I feel without her. When I told her she made me feel like nothing, I was so wrong. I couldn’t have been more wrong. I didn’t know what nothing felt like until now. Nothing is what I am without her. When I was with her, I was everything… but I was everything she didn’t need. Everything I was wasn’t right. Maybe that is worse than nothing. I don’t know anymore. Those words just keep haunting me. I have so many regrets.

I can see the light peeking up from behind the horizon. I watch the sun in awe as it rises. It’s still beautiful, but it looks different than the last time I watched it. It’s so different watching in her absence. Rather than symbolizing the start of another day with her, it now represents the beginning of another day without her. Every day without her is so long. Every night without her seems never-ending and so much darker. Suddenly it dawns on me that this is my life – without her. This is my future – empty. And the tears begin to fall… finally. The tears I have been holding back for weeks now, I can no longer bury inside. I look out at the sun, pleading with it to dry up my tears, but not even the sun is powerful enough to absorb this sadness of mine. I stare at the water, searching for comfort, but I find none. I wipe my eyes in frustration and put my head in my hands, as I tell myself – convince myself – that it’s better this way. She is better off without me. I can only drag her down. She deserves better. She deserves a world that I cannot give her… a world that she has earned. She deserves everything I’m not. I have to find and walk my own path, rather than distracting her from the one she has made for herself. It’s the only way.

I feel empty… alone. I no longer feel him next to me. I don’t feel the protection of his arms. I open my eyes… I’m still in the ski lodge. He’s gone. Where is he? I run out of the cabin… where did the snow go? It is a warm, sunny day. I realize that I’m back in Capeside. How did I get here? I disregard the question when I hear more words echoing all around me… “It’s your wall… it’s unfinished, just like us.” “It’s the ending we got, isn’t it?” “I need to know that you’re not quite prepared to give up on me yet either…” “I don’t even get a goodbye?” “Pacey’s this year’s Paris… and this time you have to go…” I am running now… running in the direction of the water… running as fast as I can. The words still echo around me… “And you deserve that…” “Just go!” It feels like I’ve been running forever… I finally reach the dock… the very long dock that appears to go on for miles. But at the end of the dock, I can see him. He is untying the boat, and I run harder trying to reach him. I’m screaming for him to wait, but he doesn’t hear me. The farther I run, the further away he seems to get. I see True Love moving, getting smaller as it sails away into the distance. I finally reach the end of the dock and all I can make out is the outline of the boat in the sunset… and his faint silhouette. I scream out for him, but the only reply I get is in the words that echo around me again… “I don’t even get a goodbye?” I sink to my knees and cry. I look out at the water… the boat, the sunset, and Pacey have disappeared… “Goodbye, Pacey…” 

I awake with a start. I’m in a cold sweat. I breathe out, “What the hell…” I find myself in Pacey’s bed… at the beach house. I am awakened into reality. I notice the empty place next to me where he had been. “He left me… again.” I pick up his pillow and hug it to my chest, inhaling his scent. “Please don’t disappear on me.” I look toward the window and see that it’s light out. It’s going to be a beautiful sunny day… so why does my life seem so dark? I wipe the tears from my eyes and cheeks that had formed before I even woke up. It’s time to face another day… another day without him. But first I have to see him. I have to find something to hold onto… anything to get me through this day, possibly this life… without him. I wish I didn’t miss him so much all of the time.

I walk outside and head toward the docks. I know he’s there. He longs to be close to the water. It brings him a comfort that I no longer can… maybe I never could. I stop briefly when I see him sitting there, looking out at the water… and just watch him for a moment, the sun glistening off of his face, before venturing any further.

I can feel her watching me… she’s walking down the docks. Somehow, I can just sense her presence as she nears me. It’s time to face this. It’s time to make things right… at least as right as they can be for us right now. I look over at her as she approaches… she walks with her hands in her pockets. I look at her and she’s still so beautiful… still so innocent… still the girl I fell in love with. And when she finally speaks, her voice is still like an angel…

“Somehow I knew I’d find you here…”